You are currently browsing the monthly archive for November, 2007.
So, it’s the last day of NaBloPoMo. I feel sort of ashamed that I have done such a shitty job posting. I mean, I did it every day, but I can’t count the number of times I just sort of phoned it in. I wish I could go back and delete and re-write all the bad, bad posts I put up, but what the hell, right? Part of the whole every day for 30 days thing is the honesty of it, because honestly? Not everyone has something interesting to say every day. Sometimes you just sort of need to curl up on the couch and cry or something, and that’s not interesting. Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything.
So, it was fun. Sort of. I mean, it’s kind of like a warm, expectant body waiting in your bed every night : a warm, expectant computer waiting for you to type every night. Though I guess that’s not that similar. It’s a lot more pressure, because that warm body usually just wants to roll over and go to sleep, and the computer expects shit from me. Shit like words that string together to make some sort of coherence. And perhaps even words that are funny or honest. But at least they should make sense. Hopefully I have done that bare minimum. And that you all went and looked at PBF and the Andrew Bird video, because they are both awesome phone-in posts.
I just decided that I’m doing all my Xmas shopping at Etsy this year. Seriously, I’m just sitting here and click click click, gorgeous homemade earrings for my sister! A lavender eye pillow for my mom! Things with skulls and pirates for my son! Cheap, too, and I’m not supporting the Evil Empire, aka Wal*Mart.
So generally today is jolly – I started Xmas shopping, and tonight E and I are going to Providence to see Andrew Bird (love, love, love him) and drink beers together. I bet I would lose more than 5 pounds if I stopped with the beers, but then why even live? Beer is necessary, don’t you think?
*****
Later….
I forgot that I hadn’t posted this until I was driving to the show. Luckily, the all-ages ones (eewww, teenagers) end early, so we just got home and I am posting on time! Honestly? I can’t wait til this post-a-day thing is over. I like blogging and all but it’s draining to try to think of something to say every day, even something one-line and inane.
Andrew Bird was awesome, though – he put on a great performance. A guy I work with was actually there, too, and knows the sound guy or something, so I should be able to get a CD of the show, which I would love to have. Usually I am anal about songs changing live (“But… I know the words to that, and now they are slightly different! Why??!!”), but this was just amazing – the violins and guitars and sampling and crazy gramophone things spinning… I did spill beer all over my pants, which sucked and made me smell like a brewery and also wasted the overpriced beer, but oh well. I’m home in pjs headed off to dreamland now. Night-night internets!!
Oh, internets. You know I love you. But NetFlix just sent me both Sex & the City and Project Runway on DVD. And, you know, I think right now I might love NetFlix more than the internets. So, um…. tonight I am forsaking you for the DVD player. And probably a few minutes (okay an hour or so) on the Wii, because Excite Truck isn’t going to play itself, you know. And I am so close to finishing the gold section, yet so shamefully far behind E. So you play nice, internets, and I will be back tomorrow, all TV’ed out and refreshed and ready to post something slightly worthwhile. Sort of.
Okay, so enough with the doom and gloom. Let’s do a jolly happy post! Woo-woo!
Seriously, since I started this whole healthy living thing (well, except the smoking, but you need a vice, okay?), I have been feeling so much better. I have this feeling of being in tune with my body that I haven’t had since I was pregnant and so much was going on in there that I had to be sort of conscious of it. It feels really good, and I feel good about myself in a way I haven’t in a long time. I’ve lost about 5 pounds, which is a drop in the bucket, but at the same time is a huge accomplishment. I’m not starving myself anymore, I’m exercising… I’m getting yelled at to get off the computer…
I don’t know what to write today, so here! Have a bad poem I wrote last year:
Deep Sunk
Deep sunk, waterlogged, softening against the sandy bottom and gentle waves
of seaweed swaying against the hull. Her prow bent, cracking, the mermaid
half-missing, blind eyes looking for a sky that never comes. Fish tire of
exploring the bleached bone cabins, the sails long-rotted, the shine of a few
gold doubloons. A shark waits silent behind the ship, teeth flashing in the
shimmery underwater light, tail waving slowly like a cat’s before the pounce.
This is the diver’s dream as he straps on flippers, mouth clenching around the
air tube, eyes searching the sea’s surface for some sign of his dream below.
It is the moment before the leap that he craves, the feeling of promise,
the moment when anything can happen, and his imagination is limitless.
He hits the water, bounces gently in the swell, his eyes wide-open
as the oysters in Disney movies, pearls shining within. He kicks,
waiting to come upon it, waiting for the tease of a small, shiny thing before
the onslaught of wood, the delicate mermaid, the faint motion of the sails.
Far off, she waits for him as he gathers himself up slowly, his ascent
pensive and regretful, another day wasted, another dive over. She
will sit for a hundred more years, slow rotting, submerging into the sand,
the mermaid’s milky eyes scanning the sky as his eyes scan the sea.
There’s always a balance of power in relationships – the one who loves and the one who is loved. It’s never equal, or at least it never feels that way. It doesn’t matter how thin you are, how pretty you are, how smart or funny or rich. You’ll always be on the bottom at some point, the one looking up and worrying that you’re not enough, that you’re being found lacking. There’s always that feeling of wanting more than you are getting, of wanting to feel safer than you do, of wanting to be loved as much as you love back. No matter who you are or how hard you try, you are always going to be vulnerable sometime, and it’s going to hurt like hell.
E was just asking what the hell I have been finding to blog about for a whole month straight, day in and day out. And, well, you guys know. Pretty much nothing. Lots of one-liner-type posts and belly-achin’ and all that. But I have been doing well with it, at least managing to put something up every day, so I am proud. Though there were a lot of posts I wish I hadn’t written, or had written better; and of course many posts by other people that I wish that I had thought of first. Or experienced so that I could post something interesting.
This weekend has been really nice, if short on blog fodder. Four days off, tons of family time, tons of beers and pie (no, actually, I have been good with the pie. Generally. Or at least better than I ever have been in the past). It’s funny to think that years ago I was all “wait, I don’t want to be related to these people! I will get in my car and go far away to my friend’s house and smoke pot to avoid them. Then I will come home and hide out in my room and shoot evil dagger looks at them if they try to come talk to me” and now I’m having my brother over for drinks on weekends, going out shopping with my sisters, visiting my mom on Sundays to just hang out and gossip… Is this growing up? Or am I just really, really lame? Either way, it is kind of nice, being close to my family like this, having grown-up-type relationships with them. We even listen to the same music now, to some extent — which, of course is such a huge deal, looking back on the years when my brother and I liking the same NIN song was like a dagger in both our sides, because how can you be cool when your dorky sibling is holed up listening to the same depressing screaming shit?
Anyway, right now, I am sort of doing the whole “what am I thankful for?” thing, I guess, and that’s what I’m thankful for – family, people who love me, people who have known me through all my really awful haircuts and still think I’m nice.
Thank goodness no one is reading this, because I am too tipsy to type. It’s funny (ha-ha!) how drunk can go from “whee! so happy” to “ugh! everything sucks” so fast. I know I promised a “real” post, but yeah. That was many Newcastles ago. Good night internet!
I hope everyone’s was filled with as much pie and gin and tonic and bad jokes about love affairs between my husband and my sister’s boyfriend as mine was; but that you got more naps. Back tomorrow with a “real” post, I swear!!
I have sort of been putting off writing a “real” post because I’m embarrassed of that last post and kind of want to pull it down (at the same time, I hate censoring myself and don’t want to do that, either…) Also, I am soooo tired at the moment. E and I stayed up late last night watching Knocked Up, which I thought was pretty hilarious (he wasn’t as into it), and then work today was one of those pre-holiday days that just drags on and on and on, and there are like 3 people in the office and everyone is studiously not-working. So, yeah, I am not full of excitement and verve and great, intelligent or even semi-articulate writings right now.
A bunch of people commented/emailed about that whole last post thing… I wanted to let anyone who is interested know that I am okay right now, and I do have a doctor I can see if I need to, and that I’m not as crazy as I seem. Seriously. I just have a lot going on in my life right now that is hard to deal with, and I’m not working through it in a very adult way, I guess. But! But I have a whole stack of healthy living-type dieting books from the library and 3 exercise DVDs, and I am excited about this. The surgery fell through – insurance won’t cover it – and so it’s back to the old-fashioned shit. One book I have, though, I feel really good about because it uses techniques from cognitive behavioral therapy, which worked well for me in the past (there is some crap that I have actually gotten over and let go of, hard as it may be to believe looking at my general craziness). Now I just need to get my head straightened out a little and things will really be looking up.
