I have this constant need to be validated, to be cheered on and complimented in everything. I wonder how much of that is normal human behavior – because who doesn’t like a pat on the back sometimes? – and how much my own neuroses and insecurity. I want to be applauded for tiny things, like how well I do my job or how clean I mopped the floor or that nice parking job I did. I want people to notice when my hair looks cute, even if it’s through no fault of my own, or when I’ve lost 12 pounds that can’t really be seen (even by me). I want to be the life of the party all the time. I wouldn’t say no to parades in my honor. But the thing of it is, in my head, largely I swing from thinking that I’m actually pretty fucking cool to how hard I suck and why do I even bother.
For so many years I was all “oh, I skipped a grade, la-di-da” and that impressed people. But now I’m realizing that skipping kindergarten doesn’t really change that much once you’re 28. If I was so smart, I wouldn’t be working in a warehouse opening boxes and entering repair orders. I wouldn’t be 28 and still struggling through my bachelor’s degree. It’s like this sudden realization – what happened 23 years ago is no longer anything that matters. Now I’m a grown-up and my high school graduation year isn’t something anyone cares about, it’s not something that brands me as different or that matters at all. My SAT scores (which were admittedly mediocre) don’t matter, either. More and more it seems like it’s really just about perseverance, about applying yourself…”Melanie is smart but does not apply herself” “Melanie is a joy to have in class but hasn’t done her homework in 6 months” “Melanie would be great if she showed up on time sometimes”… no matter how smart you are, without trying harder and doing more, you’re not shit. Now I’m just some semi-smart chick reading pink books in my free time, working in a warehouse. I’m no longer something special, someone people are impressed by. I’m just me. How many times do I have to mull that idea over before I can accept that and move on?
Filed under: all about me me me
Does it make you feel better that I am impressed by your honesty? It’s something, right?
Honestly, I think having a blog is a major thing. Especially, once you’ve gained an audience. A blog can be hard to keep up with as a blog author and doing so is trying harder and doing something as opposed to nothing. I know many people who are way too lazy to have a blog. That’s not you.
Hello, just stumbled on your blog and felt moved to comment. I had super high SATs. Where does that get me 20 years down the road? Not terribly life defining after all. About validation–I was in the Air Force and they gave you a medal every three years or so, and a medal for going overseas, a medal for good conduct, etc. etc. It was routine, but now that nobody’s giving me any medals anymore, I miss it! Where’s my get through the day medal!
& sometimes I do wonder, am I as smart and deserving of attention as I think I am?