You are currently browsing the monthly archive for May, 2008.
I don’t make friends easily. I am shy, and I hold myself back, aloof and scared – both that they won’t like me and that I won’t like them. I am too judgmental and I worry that everyone else is, too, that they look at me and see everything I know I am lacking. I’ve always been that way – reserved, held back. I’ll joke with you and talk and tell stories and listen to your stories, but I won’t really give myself to the conversation, and I won’t be able to make an effort later unless you push yourself at me – in which case I will get scared and move further away.
I haven’t had a best friend since high school, and I haven’t had any friends at all since before my son was born almost 6 years ago. In college, I had girlfriends, but no one close, no one I felt totally comfortable with, no one who bothered to contact me or who I bothered to contact when I abruptly left and went home with my tail between my legs. No one who really mattered or to whom I really mattered.
I wish that I could stop being this way, that I could open up and let people in, that I could stop nitpicking and stop feeling picked at. Even with this blog – people start reading it a little bit, and I back away. I have all these excuses – I’m busy, work is busy, life is difficult – but, really, it’s fear. It’s backing away and not letting anyone in. All my confessions, my admittances, they’ve all scared me off and I want to take them all back, put a façade up, start over again and not let anyone in that far. So I’m admitting this, and I’m going to try to keep up with my writing again, try to let people in, try to let myself out a little. It’s lonely in here by myself.
Stuff I am currently obsessed with:
Burt’s Bees Replenishing lip balm with Pomegranate Oil – it smells kind of like candy and makes your lips vaguely pinker and shiny and feels awesome. I like the minty stuff, too, but sometimes you just can’t deal with all that tingle, and this does nicely.
Curel’s Life Stages: first signs of aging body lotion – my elbows are soft. Seriously, I had elephant elbows previously, and now? They are smooth and baby-soft. This stuff is a miracle worker. And you can get samples! From the internet!! Who doesn’t love samples?
Books on CD – now I can read all the time instead of just most of the time. I’ve been so into them lately; I spend all day at work with headphones on letting someone read to me. It’s sort of cathartic. I’m thinking I might graduate to self-help books so I can Improve Myself while I work. That’s multi-tasking, baby!
National Poetry Month – Knopf will send you a poem every day, and some of them you will hate, and some you will be indifferent to, and sometimes you will love them with an unbridled poetic fire, but either way it makes you feel sort of literary and smart to get poems in your email every day. (some of those links are for last year’s poems, which I have saved in my email but can’t access online anymore, so they’re from different places and a little confusing, I think).
EDIT: This is over now. I wrote this post like 3 weeks ago and never put it up, so, yeah, April’s done. But you can sign up for next year!
The MGMT song “Time To Pretend” – we’re rocking all around the house to this every chance we get.
Spring. I am loving hanging my clothes out on the line and leaves on the trees and flowers and robins and sunshine and all that shit. Spring is awesome. Having a washer and a clothesline are also really, really awesome.
My parents’ adorable new puppy:
Doesn’t the cuteness just break your heart? He’s a sweetheart, too.
