the power of positive thinking

Today I found myself lecturing E about how “we make our own happiness” and “you are so much better than you think you are” and “you are selling yourself short, you can’t succeed if you don’t believe in yourself”.  It was pretty sickening and cliche, and yet, I realized that I believe all these things.  They are all true, and we create our own happiness, and we own our own lives.  It was weird.  I’ve spent so many years thinking about how if only life had been handed to me on a silver platter, if only my parents were rich, if only this and that had happened…  and suddenly I am grown-up enough to realize that life is what we make it, that how you look at things is so much more than half the battle, that all the positive thinking crap my mom fed to me for so  many years really is true?  Wow.  I was pretty impressed with myself.

I signed up for NaBloPoMo today, and I’m scared.  I’m out of practice.  I feel like I should have a cache of posts stored up, like a squirrel with a shitload of nuts, because I’ve been out of the game for so long – but i don’t.  My mind is not working right.  I had a few weeks of being pretty depressed last month (yeah, there goes the “positive thinking” shit right there) and coming out of it now, I still feel a little fragile, a little nervous, a little more on the edge of tears.  I’m vulnerable and I don’t want to just go bleeding that all over the place, letting all that stuff out and emo’ing up the internet.  I think November will involve a lot of recipes, since I have been healthy cooking girl lately and I’ve got some things to share with the internet – healthy food that doesn’t taste ass or involve seaweed! (more on the seaweed thing later, my kitchen is currently full of weird foods no one will eat).

Ummm… I just lost my train of thought.  There was stuff to say in this paragraph, but it’s lost now.  See what I mean about brains and the atrophy of?  I … shit, that sentence is gone, now, too.  Wow.  This blogging thing is harder than I remember.